What’s your attachment style?

Did you know that your attachment style is developed during early childhood?

As an adult, your ways of reacting to relational intimacy and conflict often stem from the way that your parents responded to your physical and emotional needs. This is called your “attachment style,” and it also shapes how you choose relationships and give/receive love within them.

If you find yourself drawn to the same type of poor relationships, or you continue to play out destructive cycles in your relationships, then your attachment style may be the underlying culprit. The good news is that you can change your attachment style with intentional effort and healing!

Secure Attachment

You're comfortable expressing emotions openly. You can depend on your close relationships and in turn, let them rely on you. Your relationships are based on honesty, tolerance, and emotional closeness. You thrive in your relationships but also don’t fear being on your own.

Anxious Attachment

The thought of living without your partner causes high levels of anxiety, and your partner is often your “better half.” You may have a negative self-image while having a positive view of others. You seek approval, support, and responsiveness from your partner. You value your relationships highly, but you’re often anxious and worried that your loved one isn’t as invested in the relationship as you are. You may experience an emotional see saw where your needs often remain unmet in relationships, and you may have a tendency to “cling” to your partner when you sense any emotional distance.

Avoidant Attachment

You may perceive yourself as a ‘lone wolf:’ strong, independent, and self-sufficient; not necessarily in terms of physical contact, but rather on an emotional level. You have high self-esteem and a positive view of yourself. You may believe that you don’t have to be in a relationship to feel complete. You probably don’t want to depend on others or have others depend on you, and you may struggle with a lack of emotion in your relationships. This can lead to detachment during times of conflict or increased intimacy.

Anxious-Avoidant (Fearful) Attachment

You exhibit both the anxious and avoidant attachment styles in your relationships. Your close relationships are the source of both desire and fear. You want intimacy and closeness, but at the same time, you experience trouble trusting and depending on others. You have a hard time regulating your emotions well, and you tend to avoid strong emotional attachment due to a fear of getting hurt. 

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Find your attachment style
(Adapted from Adult Attachment Questionnaire.)

Mark each statement “true” or “false.” Each true statement is worth 1 point.

Part A:

1. I find it challenging to get close to others.

2. I'm not very comfortable having to depend on other people.

3. I'm not comfortable having others depend on me.

4. I don't like people getting too close to me.

5. I'm somewhat uncomfortable being too close to others.

6. I find it difficult to trust others completely.

7. I'm nervous whenever anyone gets too close to me.

8. Others often want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being.

Part B:

1. I often worry about being abandoned by others.

2. Others are often reluctant to get as close as I would like.

3. I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me.

4. I often worry about my partner leaving me.

5. I often want to merge completely with others, and this desire sometimes scares them away.

6. I'm scared that others would hurt me by suddenly ending our relationship.

7. I usually want more closeness and intimacy than others do.

8. The thought of being left by others often enters my mind.

9. I'm often scared that my partner doesn't love me as much as I love them.

Score your quiz - this indicates how you show up in relationships.

 Part A:

• 0-1 points = low avoidance

• 2-4 points = medium avoidance

• 5-8 points = high avoidance

Part B:

• 0-2 points = low anxiety

• 3-5 points = medium anxiety

• 6-8 points = high anxiety

Interpret your results:

Secure Attachment: Low Avoidance + Low Anxiety

Anxious Attachment: Low Avoidance + High Anxiety

Avoidant Attachment: High Avoidance + Low Anxiety

Anxious-Avoidant (Fearful) Attachment: High Avoidance + High Anxiety