Pain can be a gift.
We're often so afraid of pain that we default to stuffing our pain or attempting to ignore it. When we choose this path, the end result is unforgiveness, bitterness, and even a “hardness” in our hearts that decreases our capacity for joy, peace, and love.
But there's hope! We can change the way we see pain: Every painful thought is a gift.
Mourning leads to comfort. Without the process of mourning, you rob yourself of comfort.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” -Matthew 5:4
Step #1: Acknowledge the pain
It may feel uncomfortable at first, but start by facing your feelings head on. Acknowledge whatever is happening in your heart and don’t filter it. Journaling, venting, and verbally processing your pain may all be helpful during this stage.
Remember that feeling your feelings is different than thinking about your feelings. Don’t be afraid to express your emotions through weeping. God created tears as a way to release emotion.
Step #2: Process the thought
After all the pain is acknowledged, take ONE thought, memory, feeling or emotion and sit with it. If you're not sure where to start, ask God to show you! You may be surprised by what God brings to the surface to process, but be assured that God knows the order in which you need to process painful parts of your past and present.
Begin to investigate this specific pain point and be honest with yourself and God about what you’re really feeling. You may feel a swirl of emotions that include anger, grief, and shame. Whatever you journal or say to God during this time is a commentary on the pain you’re feeling in the moment. It’s not a commentary on your character, so don’t sugarcoat your words. You can’t deal with the real problem unless you’re honest about what you’re feeling.
Here are some questions to consider and process through:
What’s my heart feeling?
What am I thinking about my feelings? (Note any areas of self-judgment or shame.)
What am I experiencing?
Step #3: Find the theme
Once you have processed that memory and there’s nothing left to say about it, your emotion will most likely be exhausted (don’t be alarmed if there are layers of feelings with a memory!).
You now have the opportunity to uncover cycles of unconscious beliefs with God about yourself, the other person(s), the world, and/or the situation. Do this by observing (without judgment) any repeated phrase or feeling that came up while processing.
The repeated phrase or feeling is the “theme” of this pain point. It may also be part of a larger cycle of pain in your life that God wants to heal.
Step #4: Take it to God
Take this theme to God and ask for a heavenly perspective on your pain and the “theme” that emerged. You may envision this process in your imagination by actually inviting God into the memory. Depending on how you typically “hear” God’s voice, it may also be helpful to have a verbal or written conversation with God about it.
A few questions to ask God:
What do you say about the fact that I’m hurting?
Where were you in this painful experience?
What do you think about this pain and this theme? What’s your truth?
How do you want me to move forward in healing?
Expect to hear an answer from God - because God always has a perspective! If you’re struggling to hear God, then this is the perfect time to get additional help. A Sozo would be a great next step to help you uncover any barriers in your ability to hear God’s voice.
Step #5: Find compassion
Forgiveness is essential to the healing process. It allows you to fully let go of the pain of the past and trust that God will take care of the rest.
Ask God: How do you see the person who hurt me?
When you can forgive and see the other person through God’s eyes, you’ll be able to feel compassion for the person. This, along with what God has to say about your situation, will then enable you to go through and FORGIVE the person for each of the things you wrote down about your feelings, pain, emotion.
Step #6: Repeat
Repeat this process for each emotion, memory, and thought that comes up. Do this until your bitterness turns into compassion.
A few other helpful tips:
Don’t process more than one thing at a time.
Make sure you have FUN between processing different things and make sure you can recharge before the next processing session.
Eat well, sleep well and exercise. Your body needs good rest, fuel, and energy output as you process emotionally.
Process over and over again, as often as you need.
Please note that for particularly traumatic experiences, it may be best to work with a trusted counselor as you process your pain.
