3 steps to identifying and meeting your needs.
A good place to start growing towards relational wholeness is by learning to identify and express your needs. Why? Because your needs drive most of your actions and behaviors, even if you lack conscious awareness of them.
So where to begin?
Step #1: Understand the difference between physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.
You’re a triune being made up of a body, spirit, and soul. Each part of you has distinct needs. When any area is out of alignment, it can be challenging (and even impossible!) to build healthy and intimate relationships.
Your physical needs include: food, water, shelter, energy, sleep, and exercise.
Your emotional needs include: safety, autonomy (with realistic limits), play, emotional expression, and a stable sense of identity.
Your spiritual needs include: intimacy with God, worship, prayer, faith, and hope.
As you acknowledge relational needs in your life, you may also need to address any unmet physical and spiritual needs too.
Step #2: Think of things that annoy you, frustrate you, or make you mad.
Anger is often a secondary emotion that points to deeper and more vulnerable feelings of sadness and loss. The underlying emotion points to an area of lack in your relationship - an unmet need and/or deeper emotional wound.
The key here is to be honest with yourself about all the layers of emotion that you’re feeling. Don’t run or hide from your emotions.
If you feel stuck, ask God for insight into your heart and needs. Ultimately, God is the Counselor who knows you better than you know yourself. God is also your Comforter who will walk with you through this emotional experience.
Other helpful questions to ask yourself in this process:
Where do I feel empty or starved in this relationship?
What would make me feel safe and secure?
What would help this relationship feel more fulfilling to me?
As Jesus says in John 10:10, “the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” If a relationship isn’t overflowing with abundant life, then there’s an opportunity for individual and relational growth.
Step #3: Implement solutions.
The severity and longevity of the unmet need will point towards the solution(s) you need to implement.
Sometimes the solution may be as simple as a short conversation with a loved one. Other times, it may be the beginning of an inner-healing journey with God and a trusted mentor/counselor. You may also need to upgrade your tools in effective communication and boundaries as part of the process.
One thing to remember is that unhealed wounds/trauma will always show up at some point in your present relationships (also known as “triggering”). Before rushing into a confrontation regarding an unmet need, pause and ask God if you have any deeper heart wounds that need to be healed first.
If you’re experiencing an overall lack of intimate relationships in your life, then it may be time to step out of your comfort zone and find inventive ways to connect with new people. Finding a gifted counselor may also be a great next step for you.
Be assured that “God sets the lonely in families” (Psalm 68:6), and He’ll provide the right relationships for you as you continue to seek growth and healing.
Why does this matter?
If you're unaware of your needs, you're in danger of repeating painful and dysfunctional relational cycles. (Keep in mind that one person can’t meet all your needs; this is why we were created to live in community with God and others.)
But when you know and can effectively communicate your needs:
You set a standard for your worth by showing others how you expect to be treated.
If/when your needs aren’t heard, respected, or honored, then you can use this information to determine appropriate boundaries.
Others are given the opportunity to love you in a way where you can receive it. This also opens up dialogue about how you can better love them too.
You become a problem-solver in your relationships rather than fall victim to relational pain and confusion.
You were created with needs, and you're worth having your needs (healthily) met in relationships.
