Conflict is an invitation to intimacy.

I sat there stunned. The old familiar sharp sensation traveled from the knot in the pit of my stomach, up my chest and into my brain. I could feel the hair standing up on my skin. If I were a porcupine, my quills would be standing straight up and getting ready to shoot out at the danger. My thoughts raced. My heart began to beat intensely. “Not again,” I thought. “I can’t do this again. I won’t let this happen again.”

For years, this was my response to conflict of any kind. We all respond differently to conflict. But what we have in common is that we usually don’t respond in a healthy way or a useful way. Most of us were never taught conflict resolution skills. We were taught to prize peace, quiet, and order. Some of us were taught that strife is normal.

Rarely have we been taught that a conflict is actually an invitation.

As I sat there, the sting of the words and emotions still hanging in front of my face, I realized I had a choice. I realized that what was just expressed, although it hurt, might actually be an invitation to something greater. I realized that I could choose to respond in a caring manner or I could choose to respond in self-defense. I began to ask myself questions internally. What am I believing about this situation? What are they believing about this situation? And, how are they feeling? I decided then that their expression of a difference of opinions was actually an invitation to get to know them on a different level than I had known them before. It was my choice.

Several years ago, I learned that I could actually become excited when a conflict arose. I’m not sure where I learned this view point. I’ve gone through counseling sessions, inner healing, read many books on relationships and parenting, attended marriage seminars and parenting workshops. All of them good and all of them helpful in their own way. Somewhere along the way, I learned that conflict was actually a good thing.

Conflict is merely information. It’s not right or wrong. But it’s information. And most likely it’s information that I don’t already have or we probably wouldn’t be in this conflict.

I decided to try this new perspective. I decided to look at this person with love and compassion and curiosity. As I sat there reframing in my mind that conflict was not a bad thing, I became aware of the fear that had led to that thought. Fear of failure. Fear that once again, this relationship was going to fail and I would be thought of in a negative way, as incompetent; and I would be left alone and I would be seen as a failure. When I reframed it as an invitation, those lies were replaced. The lie of failure was replaced with the thought that if conflict was an invitation to get to know this person deeper, then this was exciting! I had the opportunity to know something about them that I had not known before.

We had the opportunity to draw deeper into relationship because we had an opportunity to work together to resolve this conflict in a loving, respectful, and open and honest discussion.

I could feel the porcupine quills on my back smoothing down and relaxing. I shifted in my chair. My face relaxed. I took a deep breath and decided to look into the eyes of the person in front of me. I realized that they were valuable to me. I realize their importance in my life. I decided that this person also felt that I was valuable to them. I realized how much I meant to this person as well. That helped. With this in mind, I shifted my thoughts to choose to believe the best of this person. Now I started to get really excited! If this person, whom I loved and cared for, and who loved and cared for me, was about to share with me something deep and intimate about what they think and feel, that would only make our relationship stronger. Wow. Conflict makes our relationship stronger. And I had the chance to increase my capacity to hold their inner most feelings with love and respect. I shook off that last little trace of Fear of Failure off of my little toe. I looked at that person with love and receptivity and honesty and respect. I was ready to connect with their heart rather than gear up to win the battle, at the expense of their trust. “Tell me more about why you expressed that,” I said calmly.

Conflict. An invitation to intimacy. Intimacy comes from the heart. When we are in relationship, we connect heart to heart. This is why conflict is so misunderstood. Conflict arises from the heart. Something causes a sting of pain, a feeling of being unsafe, a need to defend. Usually, we become so busy defending ourselves that we forget about the other person’s heart. Conflict is almost never about the actual topic that was being discussed. It’s not about how they squeezed the toothpaste tube. Or who fed the dog last, and why do I always have to be the one to do that? Or even the fact that they might think differently about world events than I do. It’s about sharing and protecting each other’s hearts, feelings and needs.

The goal of conflict should be connection- not disconnection.

When I decide protecting our relationship is more important than being right, I’m ready to hear your heart. When I become more interested in hearing how you feel, why this is important to you, how I may have made you feel in this interaction; then the topic matters less, and you feel heard, loved, and safe.

Conflict, when viewed as the opportunity to know the other person even better, seals up every area that creates a painful situation and could potentially create division. It fills in that crack or place of possible division with the super glue of understanding and respect. As you go through from one conflict to another, filling in the cracks with this superglue, you end up with a fortified, safe relationship that can weather any storms.  

This is an opinion. It is not meant to be a replacement for counseling or therapy.

Author: Susan Walker
Sozo Minister