Trust takes time.
Trust (Noun): “Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something”
If you’ve ever struggled to trust, you likely have good reasons for that and I can relate. Trust takes time, especially for me. I’ve seen and felt relationships fail. I’ve experienced love I was sure would last and didn’t. For years I told myself mean things about me. Those experiences and words were like shovels in the soil of my brain. I developed in myself a firm belief that I wasn’t good enough. And I developed some distrust with myself and others.
Our brain literally forms grooves over time based on our repeated thoughts, actions and experiences. But the good news is our minds are pliable and trust can be (re-) learned and built. We’re “transformed by” the [literal] “renewing of our minds”. [Romans 12:2]
Stand Close Without Getting Burned
In relationships with humans, getting hurt is a rational fear (pretty much a guarantee) but one we can prepare for. Something about how normal that pain is, makes it feel less scary to me.
Relationships are like the sun. It brings life and growth and sometimes, burns us. That doesn’t mean we should avoid it or let it crisp us like a potato chip. Instead, how can we prepare to be in the sun?
Listening and communicating are like sunblock and aloe. They will help you prevent and treat the natural wounds that come from exposure to humans.
That said, everyone is at a various stage in their process of walking in their identity in Christ. And some people are a better fit for you given their (and your) current stage in the process.
Uncover the Mystery & Build Relational Equity
When we meet someone, they are a mystery. A blank canvas. As we continue getting to know them, we are doing what my therapist calls “collecting data points”. As we observe who they are, we are dot by dot, filling in their portrait. We are learning over time who they are and equally important, who they’re not. They are not the person who hurt us. They come with their own flaws, unique colors, and blessings. It takes time to fill that canvas though.
Trust breeds more trust. Building trust creates a safe space for people to reveal more of their canvas. Every time you connect, care, make an effort, love well, be honest and reveal more of who you are, you are depositing into your relational bank with that person. Those investments build relational equity (trust).
You cannot “withdraw” things like big commitments, deeply vulnerable memories, or challenging someone’s actions to help their character grow, etc. if you haven’t taken the time and effort to invest in them.
Seeing who someone really is, is a gift that costs you something.
How to Lather on the Sunblock & Aloe OR How to Build Your Investment Portfolio
(Choose whichever metaphor you prefer…)
Here are some practical resources to help you invest. They are tools for loving well and building trust. (Sunblock and aloe for our “sunny” days. Aka any days we’re around people.)
10 gifts -I attended a workshop a few years ago where a local consultant, Laura Duncan, taught that there are 10 “gifts” everyone needs. The gift of being: seen, heard, accepted, played with, taught, protected, provided for, valued, enough and shown affection. Depending on a person’s childhood, some of these needs will currently be greater than others.Notice: Which of these needs are currently the biggest?
5 Love languages - What makes them feel loved? Gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service or physical touch? If you give someone great gifts but they want undistracted time with you, they won’t feel as connected to you.
Reflective listening - If someone is triggered/upset and/or if you’re in an argument or tough conversation, there’s a good chance that person is not receiving a gift or love language they feel they need. You want to become curious. What do they need? If you listen or observe carefully, they will often tell you, sometimes indirectly.Echo what they said until they confirm it’s right and that you didn’t miss anything. Resist the potentially very strong urge to defend yourself. Be mindful of your tone. Example: “What I heard you say is ___. Is that right? Did I miss anything?”
Hula Hoops - Okay this one is HUGE. I learned this from my therapist and it challenges the socks off of me. Growing up I formed the belief that I should be like a parent to my younger sibling. When he (often) made choices different than ones I would make or what I would tell him to do, we’d both get upset. We had a very strained relationship for years. The idea behind the hula hoop is that everything inside my hula hoop is what’s in the realm of my control. I wanted to tell my younger sibling what to do because I thought I knew best and I wanted to keep him safe. My heart’s intention was good but it’s not my role to parent him. And furthermore, his life is not mine to steward. It belongs to him and Jesus. When I tried to control him, I was stepping into his hula hoop. Out of love, I can still share my thoughts if he’s open to them. But I can only control the circumstances surrounding me sharing (if, when, how, etc.). I can’t control his reaction or choices.
Control is fear based. Fear and love are mutually exclusive.
So it’s not about keeping your mouth shut. (My silence or not giving them the opportunity to respond to me, can also be a form of controlling the situation.) It’s about building mutual respect. When you have your hula hoop and let other people have theirs, you love them by trusting them with what is theirs to manage. It never belonged to you anyways.
As you invest in people and the picture of who they are becomes clearer, how do you know if you can trust them? How do you know if you should continue investing in this relationship?
Here are some questions to help you identity trustworthy people who are a good fit for you:
Can you think of things you respect about them (how they live, treat people, etc.)?
Can you think of traits/habits they have that aren’t your favorite but you have grace for? If not, is it because: 1) The habits clash with your major values, 2) the habits clash with your minor values and you’re struggling to give grace, or 3) You can’t think of anything
How does this person respond to your humanity (needs)?
How does this person respond when you make mistakes or fall short?
How does this person respond to your boundaries?
How do other people in your life view them?
Do they treat you more like Jesus or like a (possibly familiar) voice of criticism? (Maybe one that sounds like a parental figure?)
Do your answers indicate you:
don’t know much about them
don’t like what you know
can trust them
think maybe you can trust them but might be judging them harshly
If you didn’t already, go back and ask yourself the questions above, as if you are “the person.” How do your answers indicate that you treat you?
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Relationships are not about doing it perfect, never getting hurt, being the one who is right or the one who wins. It’s about getting connected. The tools above will help you connect.
Construction projects take time but it is not time alone that develops houses. It takes intentional effort over time to build your dream home.
I highly recommend bringing in some professional assistance in relationship building (counselors, leaders, etc.) to help support you in your process.
And I pray that you take small steps in your relationships (with yourself, God and others) to develop the trust and love you want to experience. Give it time. You got this.
Author: Stephanie Guerrero
Office Manager
