Victim, Villain, or Hero?

There are 3 roles any person can play in a relationship: a victim, a villain, or a hero. Victims and villains are opposites, but a hero is an alternative everyone should aspire to.  

The problem with heroes is they seem rare. We get inspired by them in books and TV shows, but in every day life they seem hard to find.

But the crazy part? We’re all called to be heroes. It’s built into our DNA. God wants us to be champions to our spouses, our children, and our communities. So why are heroes so uncommon?

I think it's because being a hero isn’t easy. Heroism requires stamina, courage, honor, and sacrifice. It means taking ownership for your actions and communicating bravely and respectfully.

When you partner with a victim or villain paradigm, you take on a powerless mindset. Being a hero is key to succeeding in life and relationships. If you find yourself acting like a victim or villain, fix it immediately.  

The Victim

A victim is powerless and fails to take responsibility for their actions. When you partner with a victim mindset, you blame others for your circumstances. Instead of thinking, "What can I do to change my situation?" you say, "Why is this happening to me? Everything I do falls apart." Victims complain because they feel trapped in their lives. They need a hero to come rescue them.

If you're in a relationship with a victim, you'll recognize how exhausting it is to have honest conversations. Victims hide when confronted because they believe you're attacking them.  

Danny Silk has a wonderful tool for this, which I call the Sandwich Effect. Because victims perceive any form of brave communication as attacks, you can avoid any emotional barriers by sandwiching difficult truths between positive phrases like "I really like this about you" or "Thank you for doing this today." Compliments can disarm a person's defenses and open them up to constructive criticism.

I struggled with a victim mindset for years until I realized how much God valued me. My wife communicated patiently with me, and I worked on my issues, as she did hers. Once I understood God's love, I was able to leave this mindset behind and become a better husband and father.  

The Villain

Villains are combative and strive to take up space. Whereas victims lie down and accept defeat, villains lash out.
Many successful leaders take on this paradigm because it feels powerful, but in reality, a villain is just a victim who has gained influence.

If you're in a relationship with villain, they will attack you when triggered. Danny Silk calls this is the T-rex vs goat dynamic. Like in the movie Jurassic Park, the T-rex devours the helpless goat and doesn't feel bad about it.

Communicate with a villain by opening up honest but respectful discourse, saying, "I appreciate you, but this thing you said today really hurt my feelings." The Sandwich Effect also works with villains because, like victims, they operate out of fear. 

The Hero

A hero is not the opposite of a victim or villain. It’s an alternative.

When you're a hero, you feel brave, smart, and confident. You contribute happily to the well-being of your family, friends, and community. It's God's design for every person.  

Heroes are excellent communicators because they know who they are and Whose they are. Heroes do not hide or get aggressive when someone respectfully communicates their needs. They listen and do all they can to course correct.

And that's it!

You and I have the capacity to become heroes. Once we accept the truth that we are loved and protected by God, we can adopt His qualities and work to become more like Him.  

 If needed, do some brave communication with your spouse or children. Be honest but respectful. Try the Sandwich Effect if you think the receiving party will have a hard time hearing your needs.

If communication sounds scary, reach deep inside your heart and pull courage to the front. Don’t just save bravery for those “big” decisions. Be bold in every conversation and keep respect at the center of it.

 Here’s a quick prayer to help you seize courage:

 Father, thank You for Jesus, who is the perfect expression of a heroic life. Heroism is growing inside me, and I call it forward in His name. May courage rise in me this week and pull me forward in my life. May I find myself doing godly, righteous, Christ-like things as my soul prospers. Amen. 

*Guest post by Dawna De Silva’s team